Day 01 – Introduce yourself

At this point if you don't know my name, consider yourself an idiot, because all you have to do is look at the address bar.......idiot.
In case you're still dense, it's Lisa.
I'm a twenty something single mother to my eight year old daughter. She is my life. I'm a daughter to my parents, and sister to Meli. Sister-in-law to an ass bird, John. Aunty to Marky and Mason.
My family means the world to me, don't mess with them. My friends are my friends for a reason and I only roll with those who I know are going to be there for me, even when i'm a bitch (which is quite often). They can expect nothing but the same in return.
I'm bitter and angry, and some might even call me jaded. But I think those labels come in handy when need be. I think I am also loyal and honest and a realist.

But we still have 29 more days left of reading, so don't judge this book by my introduction only.

30 Day Meme

So haven't been here in a while. I do have ALOT to write about, but......yea.

Soon time.

In the meantime, I have decided to partake in this 30 Day Meme that i've seen floating around. Mind you, I have no idea what a meme is.

This meme is as follows:
Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

I will try to complete these at the end of everyday.

Now, I shall go google meme.

iPhone vs. BB

Ok, so Meli got a new BB the other day, not the torch but the curve, and I started playing with it. I got to say, it was quite fun. I especially liked that whole bb messenger option. Before I thought it was just like texting, and I was like, what's so great about that, but alas, I think that is great! Especially the smiley's.
The keys are alittle smaller than I like and it was difficult to type, but so was the iPhone at the beginning.
On the other hand, the iPhone is a computer, ipod and phone combined into one! Honestly it gets no better than that for functionality. The camera could be better though.
I love the apps because Babygirl can play with it to kill some time too. It has youtube, which again, kills time for Babygirl.
Plus, I don't really text that much anyways. But I think if I had a bb, Iwould ping everybody I know, just because I could, haha.
I love that option.
Maybe I will try to ping on text messages and see if it's the same affect, haha.

Anyways, I guess I will just stick to my iPhone for now.....holding out for the iPhone 4 once I get some extra flow and it becomes available. But I definitely will be pinging everyone with Meli's phone, so look out now.

You know what sucks??

Having to consol your dad when he tells you he's scared and starts to cry.

That sucks.

You're still dick whipped

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness

You spend all your hours just rushing around

Do you have a little time to have a little time for me?

Boom bye bye.......

One prayer - Tell God to forgive for one sin

Matter fact, maybe more than one

Word Vomit

• I like Chris Brown more than Rihanna. I get it, he abused her and I think he should get some fingernails pulled out for that, but he is dealing with his reprimand. I also think Rihanna tries to hard. I just don't like her; her fashion sense, her artistic expression, her choices. Her songs since the attach haven't really been that good (IMO). The only songs that she sings that get alot of radio play are songs that she sings the hook on. She's kind of like the Neptunes (but I ♥ them). Onthe other hand, I am all about Chris Brown's songs post Rihanna beating.As a person, again I only know what I am exposed to through the media and since he is more or less shamed off the face of the Earth, I am not made aware of his doings. But i like the way he dresses more than the way Rihanna dresses and that is all I need to base my opinion on, thankyouverymuch.
• I would like to know what goes through a dead-beat-dads (shall be refered to as DBD from this point on) head. I would just like to shadow them for a couple months (and get paid too, of course) and see how they fuction and what their mentality is. I really hate generalising and saying that all DBD are that way because they choose to be so and by no means of their own can't help it and that sometimes it's just society's way of stereotyping them. I mean, I know some single dads who take an active roll in their kids life. I want to know what makes those "bad apples" such bad apples. At which point do they decide that 'hey, maybe I didn't want this kid' and 'hey, maybe this isn't even my kid' and 'a mother can raise a child by herself, because maybe that kid doesn't even need another roll model in their life'. Because as we all know, the world is not filled with enough kids that know both their parents. I don't understand this natural responsibilty that comes over someone when they have a child as being absent. And again, i'm not necessarily blaming the DBD, because as a mother (the only view I know) it has always been to put my daughter first, and her needs and wants are my priority and responsibilty. She is me and everything (everything!) I do serves some purpose to her life. I want to find out where and what makes that disconnect happen to the DBD.
• I think I might have been (in some subconscious, change the world type of way) responsible for what is happening. When someone asked what's new or what's going on in my life, I would always say 'nothing' or 'same old, same old'. I didn't mean it in a negative way and I wasn't complaining. I like consistency, I like regularity. I am not ooposed to change but I don't necessarily need it all the time. And then this happens. The worst possible change. I don't want it. I want it to go back to where my life was a constant. More so, I want my family to be celebrating the impending birth of another fat kid, instead of doubts and worries and unsettling prospects of what may, can and hasn't come/happened.

Lalala

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

- Carrie Bradshaw

(You know the funny thing with Carrie is that I don't think she should've ended up with Big. They ruined so many lives and relationships only to end up together. Team Aidan!!)

Don't believe the hype

Dun dadda

I bomb atomically

Socrates' philosophies
and hypothesis can't define how I be droppin these
mockeries, lyrically perform armed robbery

I like this mat

That snake could be that chick

And that rat could be that cool cat, that's whispering "she's trying to play you for a fool, Black"

So yea, there's been things happening. And I think that it's been a real eye opener. It's almost enough to bring me out of my little safe place. It's brought change and unknown and everything that worries me.
But it's also brought realisation and clarity on alot of things that I didn't think to question before.
I found out that my immediate family (think Mommy, Daddy, Baby, Meli, John and their offspring) matter to me the most.
I found out that people I expect to be there, aren't. And I can't be upset at that. Why should they be there? It's just putting way too much faith in people. I hate having to rely on people for anything. I hate that feeling of not being in control of not handling something, because something else was missing.
I also found out, that some people are there for you through thick and thin. That the ones who are the furthest away make you feel like they are right here, when the people right here are not.
And finally, I found out, that damn, the poeple I had no faith in, can actually make an effort and might actually help the situation.
Human nature can surprise you when you least expect or want it. That can be applied to positive and negative ways.
I really hope that we have more positive instances.

I live for the nights that I can't remember

With the people that I won't forget

I teef''d it, b/c I thought it was funny.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an ' HST Compensation'' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'HST Compensation' payment ?
A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on a hooker, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada . )

Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed hooker you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

I'm standing on my Monopoly Board

(That means i'm on top of my game)

Thank you for bringing back rap.

♥ this white boy.

Girl, he ain't never had a love like mine

NOM NOM NOM

No welfare supporters

more conscious of the way we raise our daughters.....

This was initally supposed to be a post about my wayward daughter, but I think she has endeared enough embarrasment for a while.
Instead, for your entertainment, I provide this:

1. It’s 2AM and you are not home. You are more than likely:
Sleeping over at Meli’s house or out dancing
2. What’s the last thing you spent more than $100 on?
Babygirl’s sparring equipment
3. What do your bank checks look like?
They’re green……….
4. Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?
Suzy Shier
5. Name something that will be on your Christmas wish list:A condo
6. What color is your toothbrush?
Green and white
7. Name something you collect and tell us about it.
I collect receipts and that’s only because I never clean out my bag/wallet anywhere near enough.
8. Last restaurant you ate at. Who were you with? How was it?
Pho, I went with Meli and as per usual, it was GREAT!!!!
9. Who was the last person you bought a birthday card for?
Marky
10. What is your worst bad habit?
Eating an excessive amount of junk food
11. Name a magazine you subscribe to?
Nada
12. Your favorite pizza toppings?
Anchovies, but no on else likes it
13. Whose number were you looking up the last time you used a phone book?
A phone book??
14. Other than family, who is the person that you love most?
Nah, family is all I have room for in my heart. I’m cold blooded.
15. What is the last thing you cooked?
Que??? I do not cook.
16. Name something you wouldn’t want to buy used?
Most things other than cars….and houses
17. Which shoe do you put on first?
My right one
18. What is the last thing you remember losing?
My mind……..
19. What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
Those cabinets we have in the dining room; they’re so aged and coolie looking
20. Last thing you bought and ended up returning?
I’m sure it must have been something from Walmart……I don’t usually return things.
21. What perfume/cologne do you wear? If none, why?
Lacoste Pink
22. Your favorite board game?
Whatever Babygirl feels like playing at that moment.
23. What was the last board game you played?
Checkers
24. Where did your vehicle come from?
Toyota……….so Japan??
25. If a movie was made about your life what would the theme song be?
Wow…..that’s a really good question…….umm, let’s see, the ommodores - Brick House, bwahahahaha
26. You’re sad, who can cheer you up easily?
Babygirl, unless she’s the one who made me sad. Then no one!
27. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
Red with black sashes I think.
28. What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
All.
29. What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
I’m not so much of a poultry fan. Fried I guess…….
30. It is your birthday. You hope the cake is?
Ice-cream, nom, nom, nom

Im chuckin my deuces up

All that bullshit is for the birds
You aint nothin but a vulture
Always hopin for the worst
Waiting for me to fuck up up
You’ll regret the day when I find another girl, yeah
Who knows just what I need, she knows just what I mean
When I tell her keep it drama free
I told you that im leaving (deuces)
I know you mad but so what?
I wish you best of luck
And now im bout to throw them deuces up

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to her
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to her

Uh, Use to be valentines
Together all the time
Thought it was true love, but you know women lie
Its like I sent my love with a text two times
Call cause I care but I aint get no reply
Tryna see eye to eye but its like we both blind
Fuck it lets hit the club, i rarely sip but pour me some
Cause when its all said and done,
I aint gon be the one that she can always run to
I hate liars, fuck love Im tired of tryin
My heart big but it beat quiet
I don’t never feel like we vibin
Cause every time we alone its a awkward silence
So leave your keys on the kitchen counter
And gimme back that ruby ring with the big diamond
Shit is over, whatchu trippin for?
I don’t wanna have to let you go
But baby I think its better if I let you know

Look, my shorty always on some bullshit like Chicago
So I flip that middle finger and the index finger follow
Deuces, we aint got no future in tomorrow
I’m a dick, so it shouldn’t be that hard to swallow
The other chick Im with never complain
She make wanna leave the one im with Usher Raymond
Probably didn’t register, don’t trip, later on it will
Shorty full of drama like gangsta grizzles
I finally noticed it, it finally hit me
Like Tina did Ike in the limo, it finally hit me
I got a new chick, and she aint you
She paula patton thick She give me déjà vu
And all that attitude, I don’t care bout it
But all that shit I do for her, you gon hear bout it
Breezy rep two up, two down
But im just puttin two up, chuckin up the deuce now

Life ain't a rehearsal

♪ The camera’s always rolling ♫♪

A few things:

1. The BP incident is crap. It’s pathetic to think that there were no measures in place to ensure something like this would never happen. Honestly, they need to go out of business or something because they are obviously not fit to run something as critical and dangerous as oil drilling. I mean, are there not protocols or anything in place to avoid situations like this? Why aren’t they gov’t regulated? Overlooking the fact that 11 of their own workers were killed (AND NEVER FOUND!!!) we now have a global crisis on our hand. And I say we, because even though I have never even heard of them before in my life, my future, and my kid’s future and maybe even my kid’s kids futures are probably going to me messed up because of this. Plus, I love seafood! The prices are now going to sky rocket, if there are even any species still left to eat!
2. Why is there always some sort of drama going on? I like the simple life, I do. I like having a carefree life (which is difficult with adulthood, I understand, but as close to it as I can get is great). I like having clear skin (well as clear as I can get). I like not having to care and worry about what people think or expect from me. I WANT TO BE ME. I think that my nonchalant attitude stems from when I got pregnant. My parents were so busy worried about what everyone thought, they were stressed beyond belief. My Mom actually told me that if my Dad were to get into an accident (he drives for his profession) it would be my fault because I put all this extra stress on him. I’m sure it had something to do with the fact that there youngest daughter, who hadn’t finished school yet, was now pregnant by a boy (yes, a boy) who didn’t have a job and hadn’t finished school. But I think the whole out of wedlock thing was a big contributor as well……..There were some family members that stopped talking to us, some who refused to let their kids talk to me and even some who convinced my mother that I should have an abortion. Since then, I have a total disregard of anyone opinions or ideas unless I asked for it. And even then, sometimes it was just to humour me; I could really care less about what they had to say. I just smile and nod.
I digress though. My parents are now dealing with some really close family friends (they went as far as to say the wife was close to my Mom like a daughter, and the husband was as close to my Dad as a brother) who have now stopped talking to my parents. It unfortunate, because they were that close. My Dad doesn’t know the whole extent of the situation, hell; I don’t even know the whole extent of the situation. All I know is that they have stopped inviting us out with them and are treating us like 2nd class friends. Personally, the only part that really bothers me (other than my parents being upset over it) is that Babygirl was really good friends with their son and now she probably won’t be able to play with him anymore.
3. Does anyone know how in tarnation to make a cardboard car????? Babygirl has a project where she needs to construct a car that rolls on wheels. Seems easy enough right?? Well, you’re wrong!!! We’ve tried with paper towel rolls and Kleenex boxes and even lids from drinks. She is on the verge of getting a C- if she can’t get this thing to roll. I’ve tried googling the answer and I don’t know how they came up with these ideas, but we’ve tried them and they don’t roll. Do I look like an engineer?? I’m a CSR for crying out loud, I can explain how to use excel. We have one more day to figure it out. Hoo boy, I hope we get it right!
4. Neekee and I have decided to never, ever go to a specific club ever again. Ever.

That is all.

Dear Haters:

"Before you go pointing your fingers, make sure your hands are clean"

- Robert Nester Marley

Just because Dude's got moves

You give me a feeling that I've never felt before

“You know what I do with the people who mess with me or my family? I have a special circle reserved in hell for them!”
- Victor Newman

And I deserve, yes I deserve it.

Too many times, I've been wrong

I guess being right, takes too long

I know I’m a little late on the whole Mother’s Day Thing. So Happy Mothers Day to those who are doing a kick ass job, because, in short, you rock!!
However, with that being said, I don’t think that Mother’s Day should be a recognised day, if you will. I think it’s redundant to think you should be praised for doing something that you should be doing regardless. Is there a “Happy Breathing Day” at hallmark? How about a “Congratulations, you ate!!” card. Nope. I think when you take on the responsibility to be a parent that should be what you are all about. You should not be praised for doing something that you agreed to do anyways. You do not need an incentive to be a better parent. Your child progressing and growing is reward enough.
Yes, it’s true that without Mother’s that none of us would be possible and they helped mould us be what we are, but honestly a hug and kiss and “I love you” and “I appreciate you” every now and then goes a long way. Baby Girl actually said that she would not get me anymore presents and instead her gift everyday to me would be her love. It kind of put things in perspective for me; it’s actually all I need from her.
I actually think that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day should act as a slap in the face to the absentee parents. It’s kind of like; see you’re not here, so you don’t get the reward. It must suck to be you because, yes, my nights have been littered with sleepless, feverish nights and I have had bodily fluids spew from every possible hole in the human membrane come at me one way or another, and I have endured pain (physical, mental, and emotional) and sorrow at the hands at the one whom I love the most, but I would not change it or have it any other way. Because those evenings that I cannot go out and ‘hang out with my friends’, instead, I stay home and do homework, watch movies and play board games. Because I haven’t bought clothes for myself in close to 8 years, but instead my daughter rocks sparkles and gems and tiaras and pink and purple and flowery everything. Because I don’t get to eat out and have sushi or steak nearly anywhere as much as I would like too and instead eat everything with ketchup and alphabaghettios and go to McDonalds for the “girl toy”.
Yup, it must suck to be you.

So Happy Mother’s Day today, tomorrow and everyday after for those Mothers that make the world a better place to be in.

My chain hangs down to my d*ck

My piece bangs glass tables.

Word Vomit:

I know, I know, I’ve been slacking. I get these topics that I should write about, but once I actually sit down and stop to write them, they just fly out of my head. I really don’t remember what I was going to write about. I’m going to try and finish this one, this time.
I deleted my last entry regarding a certain friend I have. She’s on my twitter and since there’s a link from my twitter to my blog, I’m sure if she were to read the entry, she would definitely know that I was talking about her. I think she would be pissed knowing that. I do value our friendship and don’t want to put her on the spot like that. Now, if she didn’t read my blog, I would definitely keep that on, haha. Our friendship has been strained since and there is a lot if tension since the incident. I don’t know if we’ll go back to being the same actually……….
BabyGirl has kicked and chopped and jumped her way from a white belt, to a yellow stripe and has now graduated to a yellow stripe advance!!! Today is her graduating ceremony. I think she really enjoys Tae Kwon Do, and I’m happy that she has found something that she likes. Her dancing classes on Saturday have are now conflicting with her TKD schedule though. I don’t know what to do. She says she likes them both. And once summer vacation starts, I wanted to enrol her into a French program for the summer. But again, that conflicts with the TKD schedule. I could just send her Thursdays and Saturdays (if she chooses TDK over dancing) but the Saturday class, they don’t really focus on the patterns and do more races and warmups. I want her to work on her patterns.
I am scared to death of death. And not really my death. I actually think it would be welcomed, lol. Life is stressful. You can mess up your own, because you’re the only one who would probably be affected by it, but when you have people in your life that you care about, you have their well being and happiness to worry about, it becomes more difficult trying to find the balance between hard work and play. But to lose someone I care about, I can’t even fathom how I would handle it. When my uncle passed away, he and I weren’t even that close, and I don’t even remember the last time I saw him alive. I think it was when I took Baby to see them, right after she was born. I don’t even think she was 6 months yet, so it’s been almost 8 years that I last saw him alive. But his death still affected the crap out of me. He was younger than my parents!! I can’t imagine them not being here, but here we are, going to more funerals then weddings lately. I’m so afraid.
I like Sandra Bullock a lot. I think she is so strong and so brave and I applaud that she has done everything the Elin Woods couldn’t do. And you know that Elin is just in it for the money. She was a nanny before Tiger. She can’t leave him. Even if she does get some money, it won’t last her anywhere near far along enough.

All I want to do is please you

Please myself by living my life too……………

My review on the Element of Freedom Tour:

First of all, let me say that on the way there I was muchos excited to be getting street meat as I live in a suburb and they do have street meat, but it’s hella expensive and doesn’t quite cut it. Meli ended getting me a spicy Italian sausage (holla!) and I was going to get to indulge in more than one luxury tonight. Yay!! Turns out the sausage was bad!!! I feel like I’m going to gag right now actually just thinking about it. Boo!! Turned me off of street meat for I don’t know how long at this point.
I digress.
We then get inside and Meli makes a beeline for the cotton candy and popcorn. She is now ready to endure Melanie Fiona and Robin Thicke while waiting for Alicia Keys. Meli convinces me to get something to eat, b/c I usually eat supper when I get home from work, but today had to rush out of the house after taking a quick shower and changing up. Yes, I did put on make up too. So I got some Nachos and Cheese to get past Melanie Fiona. Do you know that extra cheese or salsa or jalapeno cost $1 each!! WTF!!! I asked the cashier why was it that expensive (b/c at the movies you can get them for free), she said it was b/c we had to pay for the little containers. Hi, for the retail value of those tickets, we could’ve bought 120 boxes of the containers!!
Anyways, I digress again. Do you see how easy it is for me to get distracted when there’s food involved? I ♥ food.
Opening Act was Melanie Fiona. I don’t really follow her, so I didn’t know the songs. Her first song had an intro of the “bang bang” song. I liked that song from Kill Bill. But everything else was kind of meh. She tried to get the crowd involved, but I guess no one was really into it. I felt kind of bad for her, b/c she was in her home town. Actually, the crowd didn’t get hyped up until Kardinal Offishall just came out to make an appearance. I think he got more of a round of applause than Melanie did for her whole set! Interesting fact, I found out Melanie Fiona was Guyanese and she was waving her Canadian Flag! Haha. I’ll post some pics of it later.
Second Act was Robin Thicke. I don’t even know where to start. Everything about Robin Thicke’s act was wonderful. He danced, he sang, he enticed the concert goers. He missed a couple of high notes that he got on the CD, but I guess live singing didn’t really work to well, and there are no do overs. He came out wearing sunglasses and I have things about people who wear sunglasses at night or indoors in which case the concert was both, unless medically required and I’m assuming they weren’t, because after the first song, they came off. Meli was expecting more of the crooning, but he was all over the stage. He tried to get the crowd involved too by clapping and putting their hands up, but not many people were that interested again, I guess. Mind you, I loooovovvveeee Robin Thicke, but even I didn’t even participate. He did however, have a red baby grand that he absolutely seduced (along with most of the females that populated the concert, so 99.8% of the crowd). I will post some more pics of that later too. Meli actually got a video of him dancing which was cute. Not sexy, but cute. I will try to post that later. I am and forever will be a Robin Thicke fan. Plus he sang “A milli”…..well, rapped it. We have that on video too.
The Main Act was Alicia Keys. She came out singing in a cage. That was kind of wicked. She tried to incorporate more dancers in this show than the last one. Come to think of it, I don't think she had any dancers in the last tour. I have to admit I was a little surprised. She's very talented, but I wouldn't necessarily think that dancing for her forte. If I wanted to see dancing, I would watch a music video though. I didn't really care for it. She sounded like she had a cold or sore throat. SHe kept drinking her water, it looked like her throat was getting dry alot. I still thought she sang exceptionally, she has so much talent especially when she sang any song with the piano and when she did "Sleeping with a Broken Heart", she did everything herself for that song. I really wish there was more emphasis on her and her music though. To me, she looked like she was trying to be Beyonce. And you already know I can't stand Beyonce. Please, oh, please just let her stay a positive role model for the simple fact that she has musical talent, she's female and she wears clothes!! She doesn't just gyrate around the stage. Please don't let her be trying to change her reputation.
But that's how I saw it.
On the way out, Meli got her foot run over by a woman carrying one of those really big trashcans. It was funny to watch her waddle and limp and the same time, lol. But when she got home, she told me that she was bleeding. Not so funny.

My not so secret crush

I'm going to see my love on Wednesday.




You can hate me now

P.S I think i have a thing for skinny white dudes. Meh.

Har de har har

I thought it was funny

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Madam,

Target appreciates your business and values you as a customer. However, over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Everybody's cool, but

Y’all. Just. ain’t. Me.

Word Vomit:
• Still at ends with BabyGirl’s teacher. Mo, you don’t know how envious I am of you right now. Especially with the historical reading that you guys are doing. I have BabyGirl doing some extra curricular learning too, but now I feel like a slave driver, b/c of all the extra work she’s doing. Ughhhh
• Weather’s turning out to be a-ok.
• Mo, email me at work. I don’t really respond to my personal email that much anymore, my phone is broken and I’m never online at home
• P.S My stinkin’ iphone is broken. Damn waste of space and time.
• Still as single as ever. But you know what I’ve noticed, between family and friends and extracurricular activities (including sleeping and eating), I really don’t have any extra time to maintain a relationship.
• Party planning is turning out to be great. I want to do this stuff full time!!
• Trying to plan out summer vacation this year, the only thing I’m sure of it the amount of time, I DON’T have for vacation.
• BabyGirl is a ninja Princess
• Daddy’s gone a trip and not coming back until next week. As long as he brings back goodies, I’m content!
• There are you happy now John?!?!!?!?

Dear Mrs. Needs A Kick Arcoss The Head

A letter written for my daughters teacher:

Mrs. P,

There are some issues that I would like to address seeing as my schedule makes it “impossible” to meet.

We first met on Dec. 3/09 to address your concerns with Babygirl's behaviour. At that point, I advised that I was working on it at home as well and asked what you would suggest I do to improve it. The answers you gave me were things I was already doing. Again, at that time I re-iterated I would work on her focus and attention at home. When I met with Mr. E the same night, the same was not reflected from him until I brought it up (following our meeting). He mentioned that she does get out of her desk, but it was not something he was overly worried about.

The next time you brought Babygirl's behaviour to my attention was when she was caught reading the book about Tornados during your introduction to the Science lesson on Jan.25/10. From the time of our first meeting and the note, it was approximately 2 months in between, however, Babygirl was off for 2 weeks for Christmas break. I am not making excuses on behalf of my daughter, I am simply stating that the lapse in her schedule might account for her resuming her old actions. At that point, I understand that she was not paying attention to class, but I don’t believe that what she was doing was doing was that negative. The issue that I had at that point was the fact that you calledBabygirl “incorrigible”. I do not understand how a teacher with many years of teaching can think that a child reading a book on Tornadoes instead of paying attention is broken past the point of “fixing” (I have put fixing in quotation marks, b/c I do not believe that what she was doing was necessarily wrong). To go on and tell me that she needs to “mature” (albeit you did cross it out) is again bewildering to me. Was she crying in class? Did she have bathroom accidents?? Did she bring in her security blanket and did not release it when to told her too? How would you suggest a 7 year old mature and do you honestly believe that every child in your class exhibit those activities except for Babygirl?

Then you went on to mention that this issue was brought to the attention of the class. Why was this brought up in front of the whole class? Is one of the ways you reprimand to ridicule? I cannot grasp how this would help you in understanding her behaviour (or lack of according to you). And then you have the audacity to mention to her mother, that Babygirl was not being truthful regarding a seating situation in another class. When I questioned Babygirl about this incident, she mentioned that it was only one other student who disputed why she was sitting by herself. To believe one child over another, again, I question that occurrence. Why would you not ask the teacher why she was sitting by herself? If you had, perhaps you would’ve saved your credibility and found out that I actually requested that she move from her current seat, just as Babygirl was stating when you accused her of “not being truthful”. It was not because of her behaviour.

I understand the issue that you feel needs to addressed is Babygirl’s behaviour and from the first note I wrote back, I advised that I was indeed looking after it. What I do not need from you is to constantly belittle a 7 year old and her mannerisms. Not only in Babygirl’s case, but if you describe any child in this way, you might want to re-think your career choice.

As per Mr. E and a supply teacher who supplied for her in 2010, her behaviour was no worse than any other child in the class. I do not require a day by day play on how Babygirl disrupts, causes chaos and upsets the balance that is in your class. I do not need a recount of everything that Babygirl did poorly from every teacher that has ever taught Babygirl. If it is (was) an issue, they should bring it up to me directly, not through you.

I do not want to hear about her behaviour unless it affects her academically at which point you can send her to Mr. W to address. If in fact you deem her too much too handle and feel incapable of correcting her behaviour in a way that satisfies you, regardless of many years of a being teacher, please address this with the Principal or Vice Principal as I have no qualms about her being transferred out of your class.

Rgds,
llleeesssaaa

Hello, my name is llleeesssaaa

and I think that I am in lurvveeeee

Palancing when we on the road

I want to go to Trinidadddd........

anonymous

Dear Self,

Please ♥ me today.

- Llleeesssaaa

You don't have to be perfect, love

as long as you're willing to learn.



This is sooooo sweet, but it makes me feel lonely.

You can take the Trini out of Trinidad

But you can't take Trinidad out of the Trini


October 8th –
We have arrived in Canada ! Finally!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect: Not too hot; not too cold.
October 15th --
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving Toronto!!!..
This is what life is about!!!
October 30th --
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in. Outside may be cold, but it feels like Port-of-Spain in this house.
November 11th --
The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait!!!
We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.
November 14th--
It started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked Pelau and we sat by the window watching
soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anyting like this in TRINI & IT WAS a BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!
November 15th--
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk.
Later, the city snow plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and
waved and I waved back and shovelled again, Torontonians are so friendly!!!
November 18th--
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad. We can take this. Not at all as badas had we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is brownish grey.
November 19th--
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my backside in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately, nothing was broken.
Moresnow and ice expected.
November 20th --
Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get to work.
November 21st--
On my way to work, the 4 X 4 skidded into theguardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white shit last night. The vehicle have salt and shit all over it. More shovelling in store forme today! De dam snowplough man did he job again. Watch me an' him!
November 22nd--
Yuh believe dis? De first heating bill just come! How de hell it come up to so much???
November 30th--
Its two frigging degrees outside! an' more snow on de way . Every damtree in de yard geh damage up. An' to crown it off, de power went out mos ah the night. We try to keep from freezing to death wid candles an' kerosene heater, but de heater tip over an' nearly bun dung de kiss-meh-ass house.
Ah manage to put out de flames, but end up wid second degree burns on meh hans. Ah nearly bun off meh eyebrow an' eyelash. Den de car slide on de white shit again! on the way to de hospital, an' we had to write it off.
December 5th --
Look at meh crosses! Dis snow ain't plan to stop soon. De ting comin' down and down as if it go never stop!! What de arse is this?!!! Ah had to put on all meh clothes
dat ah own just to go out to meh mailbox. This is real shit! If ah ever catch the prick dat drive dat snowplough, ah tell yuh, ah go cross one lash in he arse. He go bawl like ten Tarzan when he get it. Ah really tink he does hide round de corner and wait 'til ah finish shovelling, den come down the street fas, fas, an' cover up we driveway again. Boy, ah tell yuh!!!
December 10th--
De power still off, de toilet freeze up. Some part ah de roof look like it ready to cave in.
December 15th--
Another mudder ass eleven more inches ah snow an' ice!!!! God know dis aint right. Ah put ah hole in de snow plough with me
pick-ax but the driver get away by the skin of he teeth. If he feel he go be so lucky next time, he lie!!!
December 16--
De wife take off and lef me,
December 18--
De car cyan start an' ah tink ah goin' snow-blind. Ah cyan feel me toes an' ah din see de sun fuh weeks ! !! ! ! An' guess wuh? De weatherman predict more snow!!!! Yuh believe dat?!!! An' de win-chill is 30 friggin degrees below zero! !
December 22--
Dis TRINI moving back home TODAY before dis God forsaken, kiss-meh-ass place done kill mih arse an finish mash up mih family!!!! If ah ketch a flight, at least a could reach Port-of-Spain fuh Christmas and some good liquors an Parang. Toronto could haul dey arse!

It feels like a midget's hanging from my neck

F: You know what pet I've always wanted?
Mel: A cat?
Me: A dog?
F: Nope.
Mel and Me: Ok, we give up......
F: A midget!!
Mel and Me:.................
F: Pulling a carriage full of monkeys
Mel and Me: *walk backwards slowly away*

True story, no lie